Schott NYC Leather Beachwear - FINALLY

I love my Schott Perfecto, but I'm always disappointed when I can't take it into the ocean to go swimming or even just take a dip into the old hot tub. Well, the sleepless nights and crying days are over as Schott has finally listened to its customer base after years of outcry, countless phone calls, and some strongly worded emails with more than a couple negative emoticons >:o Schott has just released a full line of beach and swimwear guaranteed to upgrade your summer style, and people are understandably stoked. Here are a few of my favorites, of which I've already started putting money aside for :D

One Piece Leather Perfecto Vintage Swimsuit - $900

This is an investment piece; the kind of thing you could pass on to your son one day. Thanks to the ingenuity of Irving Schott those many years ago, the snapdown collar and belt help to minimize unsightly flapping as you slice past the hot ladies through the water like a Great White sex machine. The zippered pockets are also thoughtfully lined with mesh for optimal drainage, avoiding the much-feared "water bloat" that's turned many a handsome traditional one-piece wearer into a water balloon-like blob.

Given the quality of the leather, it should take on a unique patina throughout over the years as you stealthily pee into the depths of Neptune time and time again while acting like you're just resting and looking around.

Unlined Sheepskin Swimming Briefs - $ 250

Let's face it: water is a cold and foreboding bitch. I think Abraham Lincoln said that. At the expense of everyone no longer being able to make out the outline in your normal swimming briefs of the impressive heat you're packing, this unlined sheepskin will cradle your unmentionables as if you just laid them right on the head of an actual sheep (it must be the head).

This versatile piece also fits in perfectly with the surging popularity of He-Man-core (or the flagging popularity of Conan the Barbarian-core - it's pretty much over now), and the exterior is resistant to abrasion from sand and rocks as well as from the violent grinding you will undoubtedly be doing with any lady fortunate enough to lay eyes on you.

Link to Full Schott Beachwear Line

I'd highly recommend taking a look at their full lineup because there's something for everyone, even if you're too big of a wimp to double down on your masculinity and pick up one of the pieces above or you're justifiably worried you might look too good. Normally I'd say wait for a good sale, but I have no idea how long these items are going to last so I wouldn't sit on it. There are literally no downsides. Name a downside. You can't.